A. desperately grab the nearest person, no matter what their gender or the state of their personal hygiene, and plant a big one on their lips--with tongue. If you don't kiss someone now, it will ruin the romantic tone for the entire year.
B. cheer, blow noisemakers, and kiss someone.
C. throw your noisemaker on the ground, stomp on it, and look sullen. Anyone who gets fresh with you gets a swift kick in the shin. The next big holiday is Valentine's Day, and you are already feeling Fed Up with the Whole Thing.
2. Your favorite Valentine's Day memory involves
A. chocolate, chambange, and a bathtub full of rose pettles.
B. making your scuzzy then-boyfriend cry by presenting him with a valentine that reads YOU'RE DUMPED, SUCKA!
C. managing to actually sleep through the entire wreched thing.
3. Cupid makes you think of
A. the infinite possibilites of love.
B. a delicious flying ham.
C. dirty dipers.
4. Last Valentine's Day, you received
A. an enormous box of Godiva chocolates.
B. a Russell Stover sampler.
C. a gallon of chocolate ice cream, bought for yourself, and eaten from the carton while watching E.R. reruns on TNT. (You cried when the baby died)
5. You prefer to deliver Valentine's Day greetings
A. in person.
B. by mail, possibly annoymously.
C. tied around a rock and thrown through the windshield of your beloved.
6. The difference between Valentine's Day and a wedding is
A. Valentine's Day happens every single year! Your own wedding comes around only once every five or ten years.
B. weddings are slightly worse--but not much.
C. at a wedding, your aunt is drunk too.
7. When Valentine's Day is over, you
A. start your pre-Christmas shopping! It's never too soon to begin preparations for the next big, wonderful holiday.
B. eat a pound of chocolate in one sitting and pass out from the sugar intake.
C. don't remember a moment of it.
"I Hate Valentine's Day"
by Bennett Madison
by Bennett Madison
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